Bald Archy

Created in 1994 by Peter Batey (with Dame Edna Everage as patron) this portrait competition requires entrants to create caricatures or satirical portraits of noted Australians. A spoof of another major Australian portrait competition, it is judged by Maude, a white cockatoo (it is said that if that other major competition can be judged by a bunch of galahs, then Maude will do very nicely).

Tricia has been a finalist over a dozen times, with her successful entries going on each of those National tours, and often selling.

The shepherd is calling – come start anew:
I have rugby league’s best positions for you!
Much success I do promise –
the deals are great commerce!
Just sign all these contracts we’ve set out to view.

As with all religions, the promises abound:
have trust in my record, my fame is renowned.
Sainthood this brings –
of league we’ll be Kings!
The Dolphins are ready; prepared is the ground.

Come all you who labour and toil and do try:
across all the lined and grassed fields we will fly!
This new R.L. team
all others will cream!
Tell your agents to hustle and with us apply.

I am the Good Shepherd – come join my flock:
I’m back at the helm and those critics we’ll shock!
Take up my yoke –
I’m such a good bloke!
Your prayers will be answered by me – solid Rock.

Adam Gilchrist continues to develop his cricket skills into a form of true art.

His commanding finesse and controlled subtlety in all forms of his sport belie the strength of his performances.

He brings colour to the game – balancing exciting strokes with smooth passages where the viewer can become lost, and carried away in the work at the master’s whim.

The moment where he hit another pinnacle – the only player to ever hit a hundred Test sixes – will stand the test of time in remaining a true masterpiece.

A rustle first, which grew from slight
Into a scabrous flurry.
“Not Australian to the core!” –
For proof they all did scurry.

Hisses and soft whispers –
Snakes in our corridors!
Some pollies should not be here,
So say our Aussie laws.

Snakes there are among us!
We’ll purge them out the door –
Get Joyce, Waters and Lambie;
Farewell Roberts and Moore.

Get rid of that Scott Ludlam!
Adieu Fiona Nash!
Those snakes were all uncovered
And felt the clean-out lash.

By-elections gave relief;
The people had a choice.
Some slithered back into the house”
Led on by Mr. Joyce.

Nathan once was groundsman
on those sacred hallowed grounds.
Now this name of lowly serf
throughout the grounds resounds.

Who knew he had the power?
Who knew he had the might?
Off spinning down the wicket –
right out of batters’ sight.

Each ball brings forth reaction –
each ball the crowd does carry.
Each person joins the cricket chant
with keeper “Nice one, Garry!”

The Miracle of Boxing Day
brought sainthood when he bowled,
with thousands chanting prayer,
a third-ball spinner gold.

A spinning saint revealing
to believers “Cricket’s Zion”.
Thank God Australia has him –
St. Gazza: Nathan Lyon.

We really want to like you Nick
there’s much there to admire:
ill manners though, we don’t mistake
for good old Aussie fire.

Behind the screen of tennis strings
you’ll find no good excuse:
raving rants and hurled insults
just make you look a goose.

Advice you’ve had from tennis folk
who’ve won heard-earned respect:
examples how to act on court,
but all this you deflect.

Gaze down on us you haughty lord
and with each racquet swing,
reflect that a true Aussie knows
it’s not enough to “win”.

Bronwyn wields a swift sure paddle –
(its number nine four A) –
and so records the biggest score
of Members with no say.

This Bishop of a God Most High
doth judge on fair debate.
Our pollies must now watch their tone
when they deliber-ate.

Hans-ard has been for long devoid
of wit, and calm converse.
This farce our Members call “conduct”
is mere contempt and curse.

Australian
Politicians,
Ig –
Nobled is the Garden ;
Eden vanished long ago
when voters lost their bargain.

They left their English lace and tea
to play on Aussie soil –
unaware what deadly strike
lay twitching under coil.

Hid amidst the eucalypts
and fiercely burning sun,
some venom years in making
was prepared to spoil their fun.

Just like the deadly creatures
of our Land that poison-pack,
our cricket team was focused
for the Ashes to win back.

For education in England
you can pay mighty fees –
our “colony” proved this team’s school
for cricket’s ABCs.

With death stare well rehearsed and dark
Mitch bowled the ball true blue –
time and time again with speed
beyond their bats it flew.

They’d come assured that they’d return
singing an Aussie swan-song.
They left bereft of cup and joy
in part because of Johnson.

-Statement Bald Archy 2014
Tricia Reust

How can one help but think
of Superman with Ben?
He’s built that way –
he acts that way –
for justice has a yen.

Fighting for the rest of us
back on Aussie ground :
with courage
and with honour –
no better to be found.

A medal for his gallantry,
And VC for his nerve.
How proud are we –
how grateful that
our Southland he does serve.

Superman he surely is,
just like the comic too;
except he’s real,
fair dinkum and
an Aussie who’s true blue.

-Statement Bald Archy 2013
Tricia Reust

Bob has risen far beyond
position once foretold.
A pact was made with Labor folk
strategic and quite bold.

Though with the Labor faithful
this did cause lots of tension,
the coupling of the parties
has led to Bob’s Ascension.

Green now, Labor balances
precariously on an edge.
Will the public still provide
the votes to firm the wedge?

Of Kevin and of Tony
there must be made some mention;
Bob’s rise has put them on a path
that may lead to a pension.

New leadership in Labor, amidst the accusations of back stabbing, vying for top jobs and differences of opinion on major issues which surrounded the power struggle and ballot-ousting of Kim Beazley, has brought with it a Party emphasis on inner family unity and cohesion.

The Party face put to the Australian people, with the reorganizing of the front bench and allocation of portfolios, is one of the Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd (Christian background and saintly demeanor) in happy harmony with his deputy Julia Gillard and new frontbenchers, particularly those with high public profiles such as Peter Garrett. 

Such warm claims demanded a visual presentation of domestic bliss.

“Under-Used Resource” (Wendell Sailor) 2003

Accepted for touring exhibition
Oil over Acrylic on Canvas

“Alfie to the Rescue” 2002

Accepted for touring exhibition & Sold
Oil over Acrylic on Canvas

“Gough Ferrets the Female Vote” 2001

Accepted for touring exhibition & Sold
Oil over Acrylic on Canvas